Why do we always yearn for something we never get ?

Something I wrote long back to try and portray "drifting of thoughts"


Its Friday again, I am sitting with my friends in the cafeteria and happen to glance on the old photo stuck on
the notice board. It's an ad of hutch phone, a beautiful girl with curly hair saying "Hi". Looking at that a deep sigh emanates out of me because it brings painful memories. She also had lovely curly hair isn't it? Why is that some people taunt us, play on our mind even in their absence. My mind rushes back to the sweet memories just as though it were yesterday, Its already two weeks and still I cant get her out of my system.




It was a Thursday evening; I was coming back from my visit to our office in yokohoma. I was finally relieved that I would soon be returning back. I waited for an express or a limited express but got into a local train, it was an hour-long journey to shibuya from where I had to change trains to the client's office. This journey was sure to be another long boring one I felt. I opened the novel that I was reading, one solace to the trip to Japan is always that I get to read a lot of things, find a lot of time for such simple luxuries in life. As I was about to start reading I just glanced around the train and was left spellbound. I just couldn't believe my eyes and hence looked again and again just to reassure myself that I am not seeing any dream. There was someone wearing a saree in the next compartment. It was a pleasant surprise to see someone that too in a saree in a place like Tokyo. I was getting used to seeing only the Japanese folks all through my stay with maybe an occasional bump into some Indians in Indian restaurants.


She was sitting in a diagonally opposite seat to mine in the next compartment with the glass door between us. I couldn't help but look at her again and again in disbelief. She was a stunner all right. She was wearing a black saree and had a shawl over that. The shawl matched with the saree and was of a blackish blue and pink mixed tinge color.


I concurred that she hadn't seen me watching her yet. She was busy reading a book. I could only appreciate the dressing sense of her. Saree I had always felt was one of the sexiest dresses around. There was something special about the way she had worn the saree. She had tied her hair and hence giving a glimpse of a beautiful long neck. She was very fair and her beauty was oozing out of the contrast of her fairness to the black saree she was wearing. I was curious to check what she was reading. I always admire people who utilize their free time and address their loneliness in a positive way. That assures that one doesn't get entangled in depressive thoughts.


She was a beauty beyond compare. I suddenly remembered kalidasa's words "Chitrarpitarambhaivavatasthe". I was stunned as though some one had frozen me to a portrait looking at her. She was like someone whom god had taken a while to create, even god would have first painted her and kept a finger on his nose admiring his creation.


There are a lot of people who are so stunningly beautiful but very few amongst them have the suaveness in presentation. This girl was evidently different. I could see the tattoo of the conch on her arms visible as she was wearing a sleeveless blouse. She oozed sensuality unmatched and an oomph factor, which would make any soul near her sweat just by her presence.


My mind was running behind in memories, I knew that I was trying to placate her dressing sense with someone I knew. It was two years ago. I had just returned from my first trip to japan. Shubha was excited to see that I had brought a digital camera. Her parents were searching a bridegroom for her. She asked me if she could borrow my camera for a few days. I said yes, and thanks to her guile charm I became the official photographer too. I was never ready for what was in store. What started of as one photograph that she needs to give to future prospective bridegrooms went on for days on end and ended up in a big portfolio kind of shoot. I had never given thought to dressing till that day. She was like a perfectionist in all the things. She had different sets of clothes, matching jewelry, matching shoes, matching hairstyle etc. I was surprised when I saw how much thought she put into dressing herself. She had a big list of accessories, which went with what, a huge collection of shawls to go with the right dress. I was simply stumped. I had never thought of any big use for the digital camera. It was just something that I thought would replace my auto focus camera. But it gave a lot of choice to someone like shubha as she needn't pay for developing the photographs. She could just download them to the system and check how she looked in the different dresses. There were photographs of her in every possible angle, in every possible dress and in every possible jewelry combination in no time. The folders in the system were also well organized saying red, black, white etc denoting what color she wore. A smile came on my face remembering what her husband told me recently, he said she looks good in any dress. Lucky chap didn't have to go through the fact-finding mission.




Back to the person in the train, I was amazed at her choice of jewelry, which though dormant only added beauty, I could only admire her taste. A thin strand of black ran on her white slender hand just like a creeper grows on the branch of a tree. I could see a small but lovely black dial watch on her hand. She had rings some of them gold, some of them silver on all her fingers on the hand. She had such beautiful curly hair. A few strands of curly hair were let to fall free at the end of her forehead that came down circling down her face. It was as if a warning to anyone who was entangled in her beauty would be lost in the curls of her hair. I could see another tattoo on her navel just like a lamp giving out flames. Hmm true isn't it I thought, place where all the fire emanates. It's during this time that she noticed that I was ogling at her.


A sweet face which was smiling all this while suddenly turned perplexed, the large eyes which were looking sweet suddenly skewed and the white face somehow reddened with anger and the eyes were asking a big question mark.


I was like a bad pupil caught in the act, but I just showed my book and ran my fingers over the title and pointed towards her book and shook my hand in thin air as if to ask what?


The muscles in her face relaxed, the angered face turned to a sweeter face with a mischievous smile and she held the book towards me so that I could read the title. One look at the cover and I knew the book "Da Vinci Code", that was a book I had already read. My face gave an all-knowing grin. I just showed the book I was reading, a Fredrick forsyth, and an old one. She gave an appreciative grin so as to say she was impressed.


Eyes took over from there. Eyes have such a universal language isn't it, they need no language, no common medium to communicate, they can communicate without the need to hear, without the need to sense, without the need to taste, without the need to smell. If you have noticed any great bonding amongst two people then you would have surely noticed that a movement of the eyelids is enough for the other to know the true intent and what he/she needs to do.


Wicked are the ways of mind, my eyes could never go anywhere else but her, I was surprised at myself, I would try to look elsewhere, think of something else, but it was like as though she was so domineering over me that in a split second my eyes and my mind would return to her. After a while I thought maybe I should do something about it. I drew the notebook out of my bag, struggled to write something like a cup and smoke emanating out of it, below that wrote in big letters the word "COFFEE" and a huge question mark next to it. Happy at what I could arrive at I showed it towards her. She gave such a warm and flirtatious and big smile that my heart missed a beat. I thought I was right I had fallen hook line and sinker to this girl.


But the happiness was very short lived, while laughing she put her hands and brought out her mangala sutra out of nowhere. Atta girl you surely are cool were the words that came out of my mouth. Surprises such as these are so common place to me that these days it doesn't perturb me much. I love the ways of life, just when you think you are lucky fate looks the other way. I just shrugged my shoulders and gave out an impassive look so as to say so what?


She for sure hadn't expected me to say something like that I guess, she suddenly became silent, reserved and kept to the book. I was surprised if this was the same girl who was flirting a while back. I was sure the eyes till now told a different story. Well there ends another friendship even before it started I thought and for a change looked at the time. It was already 10 mins to 5 pm and I had to be in the clients place at the earliest.


That's when I saw her get up, there was an aura about her, a presence which defied anything else. Her walk was majestic, her steps measured as though everything was in sync. As she opened the door her perfume told me of her arrival even before she entered my compartment. She had such lovely feet when I observed from close. She paused for a while near me removed her shawl and wore it again over her. The whole thing was for me simply stage-managed. It was a godsend just to let me see her from up close. I really had no regrets. Very few people know how to play with someone else's mind and taunt their thinking. I was simply spell bound in her presence, my mouth suddenly went dry, my breathing became heavier and suddenly I was not able to even bring out a hi from my mouth. Suddenly the stop arrived and the doors opened.


I was in a feeling of ecstasy with her in my immediate presence and I was kicking myself as no word was emanating out of my mouth when she uttered those words. Its like all the noise in the background subsided, an angelic voice just said "Same time tomorrow shibuya Dotour" and she walked away into the crowd out of the train. She had such a sweet, musical sexy voice that only after she left did it drain on me that there wouldn't be any tomorrow. I was supposed to leave Saturday morning to bangalore and hence I would surely be stuck in office till late night on Friday.


I am sure we would have hurt a lot of people unknowingly. We also wrongly blame so many people for letting us down. If it were a friend I have known for long, maybe he/she would understand when I didn't turn up. What do I say to a soul who might have waited for a person she saw on the train to turn up at the coffee shop on the next day. How would I tell someone I hardly know that I was just visiting japan. What can I answer when she might form a perception about guys and say all guys are like this?


Sitting here amidst all beautiful people sipping a cup of coffee I can't help but think of her. I am always in beautiful company, amidst all intelligent smart people who have a view about everything in life. Still the mind always yearns for that mystical person. Why is it that we always like someone we don't know, why don't we appreciate people whom we know who are all equally special? Why this longing in life for mystery?


Again the girl in the hutch ad looks sweetly back with a hi? I am but left to think of the ways of life and god, but for these mysteries and set backs life wouldn't be life would it?

Dilemma.......

Three different people. Three different lines of thinking. All thinking of the same thing. “This mental tension is too much to handle. God please rid me of this dilemma.” Life is so crazy yet lovable.


Husband: She is getting worse by the day. I can’t comprehend if she is being moody or if she was like this all the time. It seems like she is comparing me all the time with some unknown person. It is getting hard day by day to understand what she wants. She sounds so paradoxical. I really doubt if he knew when he said that I was lucky to have her for a wife. He said that I was the luckiest person in the world. Was he wrong for the first time? He has always been good at analyzing people. When I said that she wants to marry me, he looked overjoyed, maybe because all the three of us were friends and he felt I knew her well or that we would make a great couple. I somehow cannot think he could have been wrong. All along he has set a precedent of being right. I am indebted to him for a lot of things. He is the only person I can run to anytime. She took a long time to get dressed today, she very well knows more than me how punctual he is about time. I hope she doesn’t rake up the issue of his marriage again. He didn’t take it well the last time. He has been busy rising up the ladder of career. Maybe marriage is not on his mind right now. Hopefully she doesn’t rake up the issue of the money I owe him also. I know he doesn’t like talking over such things. He is a very soft-spoken guy, it shouldn’t be that in her urgency to find him a bride she distances him from us. That is something unacceptable; he is the sort of guy who is the life of any friendship, the lifesaver. I would at no cost want to lose his friendship not over something trivial like my wife forcing him to get married to someone. I know there must be a lot of people who are trying to get him married. So he will understand, he is a man of great patience and he surely can outwit her in no time. Only reason that he wouldn’t be harsh is because she is an old friend and moreover my wife. She was not at all like this, why is she acting so crazy now, why the sudden pressure on him to marry. Is it that she wants to see him happy? Everyone can’t be like her and me why doesn’t she understand. Yes we all have been friends for a few years now. Just because I said yes as soon as she asked me if I would like to marry her doesn’t mean others are also like that. For that matter even I hadn’t said yes immediately, I had actually consulted him and he said like always it’s my life and my decision but she was the best girl around. Marrying her was a privilege and it was even better to know that she wanted to marry me. But somehow now I feel that did I make a mistake saying yes. She is always so lost, always comparing my activities with some imaginary soul. Always nagging that if it were someone else things would have been so much different. As soon as she came to know that I owe an awful sum of money to him, she has been acting like a maniac pressurizing me to repay him at the earliest. Why doesn’t she understand that life isn’t that easy and we don’t get such benevolent friends who understand and help us without even asking? She is intelligent, she is beautiful she is smart, everything is fine, but why is she so lost in thought, always unhappy? She is not the same person I used to know before marriage, she was so jovial, so full of energy, so much more bubbly. Why have things changed so fast? She is like an alien whom I never knew. This has started to get on my nerves. I want to be there for her, help her in any way I can, just want her to be her old self and for every action of mine she says no someone else would have done this better. She blames I don’t understand her wants. I don’t appreciate her beauty. I don’t read between the words. What is it that she means? Is it that she had hoped a lot of things from me? I am really at loss, cant really understand what I need to do. I told her to tie her hair; I don’t understand why she is left it free, again she does exactly the opposite of what I say. I just cant think of any reason for her displeasure, she has everything in the world all the luxuries one can afford and I am at her disposal ready to meet every whim and fancy, still what is it that is bothering her. Did I do something wrong? This mental tension is too much to handle. God please rid me of this dilemma



Wife: He is not even looking at me. He looks so worried; I can see the smug in his reactions and face. I had thought today would be different. I thought he would compliment me on my looks, I took a long time to get dressed for him, let my hair down like the way he likes, wore the earrings he gifted me. He isn’t the one who wouldn’t have noticed. Why doesn’t he say anything? His silence is deafening. If it were the old times he would have used all his knowledge just to please me. I can see the urgency in him to leave the place. All I can say is the hindi song.
“Abhi Abhi toh aaye ho bahaar banke chaaye ho
hawaa jara mehek toh le, nazar zara behek to le”
He was all I wanted all my life. Didn’t he know that? I was scared if I would lose him. Its different with the girls, you just don’t go around with a girl if you don’t have an intention of marrying her. Yes he was a big flirt, had more than his share of women who would swoon for his looks and intelligence. He surely was a Casanova. Sitting in front of him, my body yearns for him and passion runs over the brim even now. Just one more time can my wildest dreams come true? I miss his touch; miss the sensation of his hands running all over my body. Something about his touch so sensual and nice. One can never have enough of it. He was one person who didn’t need to be told what I like. It is at one level the bodies understood each other; he always knew my erogenous spots. Now at a hands distance away he sits silent, doesn’t look into my eyes, have I become so unwanted. How can anyone be this silent? I would have understood if he had cried over me, gone to any girl just to prove me wrong and even if he had quarreled with me. But this attitude is something I cannot understand. A person who used to sms me all day, chat up with me all night. Now sits across the table as though he hardly knows me. He is still sweet to me. How can someone be courteous after what all has transpired? I am really scared of this deafening silence; I am worried if he would do something untoward? I just want a reassurance that he would be fine, best would be to find a nice girl and get him married. Such a crazy life this, all your life you yearn for someone, try to push him into marriage, when he doesn’t budge marry his closest friend and now after all this the mind still wants to see him happy. He is a person who can talk about anything under the earth unlike my husband. He can bring a romantic angle to any conversation. He can even make tasting wine sound utterly romantic. In contrast my husband is left wanting in every aspect. He is the master of all he surveys and knows how much is enough and has the sense to read between the lines something my husband never gets. He is a guy who can keep a girl in raptures all night, someone who can surprise a woman with ingenuity, a man of class, a man of stature and a man of substance. Why did I meet him before I married my husband, is it right on my part to be subjective and relative about every act of my husband, is it right to compare their actions. Is it that I haven’t come out of the relationship yet? Why does my body still want him, why cant my mind think of anybody else? Though I know its wrong why is it that I still try to impress him? Can anyone be so mesmerized and lost because of someone? I want to live my own life, now I have to setup a family and look forward to other things in life, I have made my decision and I have moved on. Can’t he just get settled? Marry someone and be happy so that I don’t feel guilty? Why is that I feel responsible for his sorrows. Did he ever understand that I would have been his? All he needed to do was ask for my hand and he would have had me. Did I use the wrong person to push him towards marriage? Should I have talked to him directly rather than propose to his friend to drive the point home. Didn’t he ever know that I wanted to settle down; patience runs very thin as age goes up. Why is it that guys from time immemorial never understand the feelings of a girl when it matters most? All I want now is for him to be happy, just him to be back to normal. Marry and start a family, just get that smile back on his face.
This mental tension is too much to handle. God please rid me of this dilemma

He: This is a bad idea attending this lunch. She is ravishing today. Anyone who looks at her will want to keep looking. Why is she doing this? I really can’t comprehend what is she up to? Every time I look at her I realize what I have lost, I hate being reminded of losing. The emotions stir me up, I cant concentrate on anything. I feel like sobbing but guys don’t cry. Why is life always like this to me? What is it that I have done terribly wrong that I have to face such situations over and over again and again in my life. Poor fellow he sits there, he is too innocent and naïve, he will never understand why I have been avoiding meeting them. He wouldn’t be able even comprehend my situation. How can I tell him that his wife and me were more than just friends? Why didn’t I tell him on that eventful day? Did I think he wouldn’t buy my story? No actually I had not seen him so happy before, I didn’t want to ruin his happiness. He has been struggling all his life. Someone like her proposes marriage to him; it was like Alma matter to him. I just wanted him to be happy, devoid of all the worries bothering him. They say usually girls go for the better guy, the richer guy, the more handsome guy or the more intelligent guy. What in all those did she see in him? Girls and their ways as they say are crazy. She has as always put me in a quandary; I cant be the same with her like before. Even now whenever I think of her, I cant help but remember her lovely luscious lips, its just like yesterday that I kissed them, I cant help drool over her pearly eyes, I cant but every instant be reminded of her angelic face, her soft silky long hair, Its very difficult to forget the heave of her breasts or the swaying of her buttocks. It’s equally hard to think that I can’t think so no more, its like overnight everything has changed. I can’t even make a friendly gesture or touch her body while talking or ogle at her anymore, as she is a close friends wife now. I have to sit at a distance, talk from a distance, no references to her body, no references to her, no more crude jokes, no embracing her, no comforting her and no more being with her all the time. To think or accept that things have changed forever in our midst is so difficult. Why did have it to be this way? What did I do wrong? Why this unreasonable punishment? I can surely relate to the lyrics of gulzar when he says
“Yeh kahaan aagaye hum yuhi saath saath chalte chalte
Tere bahoon mein hein humdum mera jism jaan phigal ke”
I had always believed in god and his ways, in his ways of justice. Not anymore. Its like my life has become like a movie. Things happened so fast that even now I haven’t been able to analyze my reactions. One led to another and all of a sudden a dream has just collapsed. I can only sing along with raj kapoor
“Dost Dost na rahaa pyaar pyaar na rahaan,
zindagi humein tera aitbaar na rahaa aitbaar na rahaa”
Cant say its my friends mistake, poor fellow he is caught in a web of his undoing. I feel more sorry for him more than anything else. I cannot accost her as to why she didn’t talk to me. Maybe there is something about him, which was more valuable than what I could offer. Her marriage was her decision. Is it that I feel she made me a fool of me. But in spite of all this I am surprised when she asks me to marry someone, try to arrange blind dates for me. Can someone forget the other so fast, can there be no emotions at all? Is it that I believed a person bereft of all emotions? I just want to be left alone, left to myself. I wouldn’t want to see more of her, or go out with them anywhere. However much a bright face I put across to the world, I am not confident of my inner self; there is a flame of desire still burning and it doesn’t die and burns on. I just want them to be happy, to have all the happiness in the world. By coming here today did I do something wrong? This mental tension is too much to handle. God please rid me of this dilemma